Man, what am I going to do?
Every day I find myself asking this question aloud, in my frustration and 'driving me crazy' endless pain.
I wish someone could tell me my future, where this physical body of mine will lead me.
I understand how doctors get tired of hearing the same pain complaints; how people don't get better.
Barring a miracle device or surgery that could restore a 67-year-old body to its age 40 status, I'm facing down serious practical issues with daily living. My nerves don't know that they are only supposed to hurt me to the point of 4 pills maximum per day.
I started this post a week ago. Since then, there has been some grave input by a physician who is probably ready to push me off to something that is an oxymoron: "Pain Management."
This, should it occur; and I hope to hell some humanity prevails in the heart of my doctor, would be my third time being referred to the dreaded Pain Management Clinic.
Whenever you hear the word "Management," you're in trouble.
I began this post June 24th. Since then, in a mere week & 5 days, the country has been downsized--the federal government has been overtaken by a criminal regime, which appears to be intent on inflicting damage to social services. In this regard, we are in good hands--our own family hands--as we worked & saved & did not spend foolishly over 4 decades. There is insurance for health & retirement money.
Below I have what I wrote 9 days ago:
Again, this morning is one of these days. We just had the longest day of daylight yesterday--the summer solstice--and these days that go on and on until 8:30 pm are killers for folks like me who need to watch the clock to try to make the pain pills last. Too many waking hours.
The pills are not increased for the extra days of daylight. For a daily pain guy like me, for whom another spinal surgery is the next step, there are too many waking hours; therefore, I need more tablets for those extra hours. A doctor doesn't see the situation as I do. (Or you, possibly.)
Coming soon, in a couple of weeks at my next doctor appointment, I'm needing to request an increase. I'm a nervous wreck over this issue. Why should I have to be? My doctor has been great with me for permitting me medication, but he gets hassled by others who have no business intervening in my medical care. He has management people showing his names on "LISTS." Lists of prescribers whose patients may have over 8 Rx's per month, I'll speculate. The list that a patient does not want to be on is the list of patients who take 2 controlled substances daily! Ooohh...
That signifies nothing! Arbitrary lists dreamt up by young bureaucrats and doctors and pharmacists easily may damage the health care of our patients. I think that I'm on a couple of lists. I'm speculating.
Today is too much for me. I surely do NOT WANT a 4th spine surgery, but I can't exist like this: nerve pain with spasticity & now 'buckling' of the legs somewhat with the BIG spastic hot spots of the big nerves that exit my spinal cord at L-3 and L-4, then buzzing the sciatic nerves.
I'm not special in any mode here in pain land. We know that many thousands of you exist like me--constantly dreading to be considered illegitimate or 'escalating.' The very nature of anatomy & physiology & orthopedic damage is thus.
Unfortunately for me, I have been visited by a recurrence of prostate cancer after 22 years clear. I also have growths in my thyroid gland that must be biopsied for a second time. Eight years ago, the biopsies were negative, although the liquid aspirated was colorless on one side and tea-colored on the other side. So, I have these 2 concerns weighing down my emotions. The option for the prostate cancer is "cryosurgery." I read about the details and that's just more than I'm able to absorb.
What am I going to do?
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